The Dreaded Place

The day that I tasted my sickly SWEET beef soup is the day I learned that Epsom salt is NOT salty.

And I am not talking about ‘sweet beef’ being a newly discovered sweet potato family, no.

It is the animal that has four feet, sometimes fat, sometimes has black spots on white, or some people called that white spots on black.

Whatever floats their boat.

Anyway, don’t look at me.

I am sure I should not be held responsible for when Mr. Epsom himself didn’t bother to tell me that he is not as salty as his name appears to be??? Could you really blame me? Anyway, let me just tell you the predicament that I was in today. But before that. Beef soup recipe you ask? Here, let me gleefully answer that. It’s very simple and easy. Ingredients;

1. Dead meat,

2. Hydrated and moisturised Ms. aqua.

3. Very alluring salt.

4. MSG, the ever lively best friend of the human race.

Last but not the least,

5. 2 unbothered sup bunjuts. Then ask a very unsuspecting and oblivious victim aka the innocent and cute cook to put all that inside a pot and open fire. Easy right? How hard could it be. Made it million times before. Easy peasy. Onion? No. Garlic? Nil. Ginger? What is that?

Lemon grass? Never knew that thing.

Why, you ask???

Because we have the ever powerful super duper bunjut kings on our side. Nothing could go wrong. So, being perfectly confident of the mystical super power that is the bunjut, she went on her merry way while waiting for that meal to be the greatest meal of all time. Except that it’s not. After 6 1/2 hours of waiting, breathing, blinking, and perspiring because Malaysia is having a hot spell right about now which is totally irrelevant to the story but do I care? I found out that we were running out of salt. I was hungry, mind you. Waited for 6 hours, with beef aroma wafted all over the house, imagine that.

I am lucky I wasn't asphyxiated by my own saliva. So I just grab whatever white grainy salt looking thing I could find. And before you asked. I did read the label. My brain just didn’t know that Epsom salt is NOT supposed to be cooking salt. So, there I was, in front of the pc, after finding out that my meal, which supposedly should be the greatest beef soup in the whole world is sickeningly sweet. I was hunching, anxiously typing on the internet, ‘cause I never ask my friends about these kinda things. It’s a matter of saving face, and also why would I ask them when I don't have friends? Are you unhinged? Anyway. I was asking how bad epsom, the unsalty salt could be if innocent human digest it? And behold, the ever dreadful WORD I could ever possibly read. L.A.X.A.T.I.V.E.

with a capital L. But, the cute cook really was innocent.

Who would ever think that any kind of SALT can make you camp in the toilet for hours?

Not her.

Definitely not one who has a CHEMICAL engineering degree, totally out of her expertise.

(Me nodding vigorously in the background). And also, who would blame her when she is the epitome of cute and innocent at the same time? (for those who know my real face, shut up please.) As you can see, being in the kitchen is just not my forte. Anyway, I am dreading the fact that I have to tell the darling husband about this. Will he still be the 'darling' husband, or somehow change into a 'fuming' one? which if that is the case, I too am dead meat at this point. Get it? Get it? So, long story short, I would never ever enter the kitchen ever again. I promise. Opss, I forgot to tell you. It’s not the kitchen no more.

It’s THE DREADED PLACE.

Sacred and haunted. It’s okay, I just have to accept my fate of ordering grab food for the rest of my life from now on. It's not that bad. It's only maybe approximately RM15 a meal, which is RM30 a day, which means RM900 a month. Extremely cheap, yes.

And we don’t tip in Malaysia.

That is such a bargain. One question, is there any way to write a very good resume? Asking for a friend. Lesson for the day,

Mr Epsom is not salty.

I am.