Hey, what's up sparkles?

I am scared.

I haven't really done much in this blog. I would say that it is still under maintenance. It is alive and running but far from perfect.

The snippet boxes on the label page are messy and the featured pages on the homepage are not complete if you dig through.

See the uneven pink boxes? You would see these if you are not on mobile.

This will appear after clicking 3 of the featured pages above.

I am sure a lot of other imperfections are lurking here somewhere as well. It is only a matter of time before someone finds one.

I learned to code html by myself for a few days before and I believe I haven't move from the beginner stage. And yet with the very little knowledge that I had, I tinkered with the html on my own after the Etsy seller that sold me this theme closed down shop.

So, it would be fair to think that I likely would encounter some 'things' in the future. Maybe a bug. Maybe a layout mistake.

I didn't think much about it since I knew my content now is not really up to par with the rest out there. On top of that, it is few and far in between. No way a low quality blog like this would be discovered overnight. For months, not one person found this blog organically.

So I just dealt with all the errors at my own pace, calmly without any haste.

So you would understand the mini panic-attack that I got after noticing this in my dashboard the other day.

I got 2 clicks from Yahoo and Google search engine.

What is happening?

There must be something wrong right??

I went on to Google Search Console to inspect it and it turns out none of my pages had been indexed yet. So I don't know how the result above came up.

However, when I typed in 'Avarinthblog' in Yahoo Malaysia, several of my posts appeared. I believe none of my keywords had been ranked yet, but the fact that this poorly-built blog got indexed this soon is surprising.

It is possible that the view might came from a bot. But there is also a teeny-weeny chance that it was a real person.

Someone, somewhere out there might really have found my blog.

I am low-key scared.

Don't take this the wrong way though, bBeing ranked on Google and other search engines like Yahoo, Bing and the likes of them are every bloggers dream.

Indistinguishably, I too am one of them. At this point, I am excited. This is super unreal to me.

But, the fact that this blog has a lot of adjustments that needed to be made, I also feel inadequate and a bit embarrassed.

In addition to that, my insecurity starts creeping in. I am starting to feel conscious of my writing.

This small corner of mine is my baby. I adore it so much albeit being new and lacking in depth. I poured my heart out into this blog both caringly and carelessly and I love every single bit of it no matter how shabby it looks or how bad my writings are.

To think that someone might hate this blog has me unlocking a new fear.

This sudden worry of being disliked is new to me. I thought I would never care when I have already gone incognito from the get go. They can hate all they want behind a screen and I would have gone on my merry way making another blog post without care.

But I was half mistaken.

It is true that being anonymous helps lessen that fear to an extent, but the anxious feeling and uneasiness can't totally be discarded off. The idea of having someone encountering my shortcomings is daunting to me.

I want every little sentence that I write to be flawless and immaculate which is literally unattainable.

I realized that it is easy to forget my main reason of creating this blog whenever this perfectionistic side of me shows up.

Because of this incident, I learn something new about myself in relation to blogging today .

I stopped and think.

I reread my previous posts and recollected what my main purpose is.

This blog is first and foremost made for myself. I wanted my own little space where I can write whatever it is in my head.

Pouring all my thoughts out and storing it here for my future self to see. I am allowed to be as deep as I want, or as shallow, or as crazy or as anything and everything that I want to be.

I should not let my perfectionism gets in the way of my blogging joy.

By that I mean I really must stop nit-picking all the small details and starts prioritizing the essentials.

I am hoping to make this blog and the writing process fun for me. If some one happens to like it, by all means I would be delighted. Because who else are a writers friend if not the readers right?

But if that doesn't happen, I should just learn to let go and know that, that it is perfectly okay too.

I need to loosen up and just be free. Be uniquely me.

As long as it is within the confines of the law, then I should carry the f*ck on. Really, I got nothing to lose.

Starting today onwards, I will let me be me.

So cheers to a pleasant journey ahead with less self doubt, writing joyfully and collectedly while still giving it my best shot. Let's hope to do this until the day I die.